According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
