I wish they made helmets for livers.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
