So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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