I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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