after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
