my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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