in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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