pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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