you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
