did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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