Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
either way he was missing a nipple.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
