I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
