just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
