i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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