she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
