i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
