He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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