Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
i think my cat just said my name.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
