i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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