I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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