my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
