the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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