I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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