At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
