I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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