dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
