Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
