My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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