i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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