sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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