I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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