I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
