yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
