Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
