Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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