She announced her abortion via fbk
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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