Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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