A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i out mim tonsoeep
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
