Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
