First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
