Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
