Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
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