Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
