I think i peed on brittanys purse
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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