That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
