Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
