im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
