i think my tv is drunk
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
