He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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