wanna go halves on a baby?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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